From a young age, I felt insecure in my own skin. I was a highly sensitive child and, subsequently, struggled with low self-worth for most of my life.
Although I had many friends and a good family, I consistently looked for approval outside of myself. I grew up believing that the opinions of others were the only accurate representations of my core worth.
I was often plagued with dark, mysterious unhappiness. The standard teenage growing with the trauma of losing self. To counter this feeling, I sought the approval of others; when it was not provided, I felt like a failure.
I was caught up in a vicious cycle of seeking outside confirmation that I was good enough.
After spending a lot of time struggling to find my identity, I finally faced myself. I knew that if I didn’t make significant changes, I would be forever trapped in life.
I look around myself and I found a person who professionally expert in inner healing therapies and started my inner journey. All unsolved issues from childhood to adult life slowly solved. Finally, I find my true self.
Finally, I was able to understand all of the behaviors, feelings, and emotions I had struggled with for so long. Perhaps some of these questions will speak to you, as well.
ü Do you feel responsible for other people — their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, and destiny?
ü Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings?
ü Do you find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than about injustices were done to you?
ü Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others?
ü Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you?
ü Do you feel empty, bored, and worthless if you don’t have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with?
ü Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking, and worrying about other people and their problems?
ü Do you lose interest in your own life when you are in love?
ü Do you stay in relationships that don’t work and tolerate abuse in order to keep people loving you?
ü Do you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that don’t work, either?
After acknowledging my true self, I connected with my parents, brother all my well-wishers and I feel oneness everywhere.
The most significant things I learned on this journey are:
1. Know thyself.
Get to know yourself as best you can. This means that you need to learn what’s really important to you, what you really value apart from anyone else. Gaining access to your inner world by becoming familiar and comfortable with your own beliefs, emotions, feelings, and ideas is essential. The intimacy you experience within yourself serves as your own personal relational barometer. The better you know yourself the better you are able to understand and choose those significant others that best mirror the kind of life experience you want to have.
2. Take responsibility for yourself.
This means to become aware, to develop the capacity for active conscious involvement, to know what needs to be done for yourself. By setting your own boundaries, you’re telling others how you want and expect to be treated; in other words, you are setting your limits about who can come into your space and what you expect of others once they’re there — — how you want to be spoken to, touched, and treated psychologically and emotionally. Whatever you say goes, no matter what others may think, feel, or believe. A corollary of this is that you are not responsible for the feelings, actions, and beliefs of others, or for the way they react to the boundaries you’ve set.
3. Develop a healthy respect for yourself.
All of your experiences, including the mistakes you’ve made help to shape your character — -who you are. No one besides you, no matter how persuasive they may be, can define you or try to control who you are. When you respect yourself, all of who you are, you should expect that others will treat you with respect. If they don’t, that’s a clear sign not to engage.
4. Don’t try to fix people.
Fixing others is a way of trying to get love, attention, and/or validation. Getting love/attention/validation must mean you’re “okay” — -right? It’s a waste of your time and energy to try to fix them because, bottom line, they’re not interested in becoming any other way than they are. And the fact is you certainly don’t need fixing from self-serving people who want to tell you what to do and what’s good for you.
5. You are in charge of your choices.
You have the right to change your mind or your direction at any time. You don’t need to feel that you owe anyone anything more than you want to give with your free and conscious heart. Anyone who mistreats you, is disrespectful of your wishes, refuses to hear you, and has no intention of changing is trouble with a capital. Be ready to walk away without fear or guilt, and don’t look back.
6. Separate yourself from others.
It may be difficult to imagine being emotionally attached to others while remaining psychologically and intellectually detached. This means that you are able to separate your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs from others. You understand that your boundaries are different from others. This detachment creates enough room, a kind of “psychic space” between you and others that allows for personal expression while minimizing emotional and psychological entanglement. Gaining a healthy perspective of others without creating conflict within yourself is the goal.
7. Set personal healthy boundaries.
Personal boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that a person creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for other people to behave towards them and how they will respond when someone passes those limits.
What are healthy boundaries and why are they important?
Boundaries create a space or separation between you and someone else. A physical boundary, such as stepping away from someone or closing a door, literally creates more space between you and others. And an emotional or mental boundary helps you separate your feelings, needs, beliefs, and interests from others’. An example of an emotional or mental boundary is stating your opinion or not accepting the blame for someone else’s angry outburst.
Without boundaries, we run the risk of “losing ourselves” meaning that we don’t know how we feel, what we’re interested in, or what we want. We let other people make decisions for us. We give and give without receiving in return. And we run the risk of being manipulated, used, and abused because we aren’t putting any limits on how others can treat us.
1. Boundaries create safety.
Boundaries are the rules and expectations that we set in relationships. Boundaries help both parties understand how to behave — what behavior is acceptable and what won’t be tolerated. If you feel unsafe or unedge with someone, there’s probably a lack of clear and consistent boundaries.
2. Boundaries strengthen your sense of self.
Boundaries are also central to your identity and sense of self. Without boundaries, it’s hard to distinguish where you end and someone else begins; you feel like a chameleon always morphing into who other people want you to be rather than having a strong sense of who you are.
What’s the connection between boundaries and self-care?
Boundaries are a form of self-care. When you set boundaries, you are taking care of yourself. You are recognizing what you need and asking for it.
Boundaries can help you manage stress, take care of your physical well-being, and create healthy relationships. For example, when you say no to working late because you’re overtired, you’re prioritizing your need for rest. And when you put your phone on do not disturb to protect yourself from your ex’s toxic tirade; you’re looking out for your emotional well-being. And when you say no to things that you don’t want to do or you leave the room when someone continues to yell at you, you are respecting yourself and doing what’s true and right for you.
If you don’t set boundaries, you’re likely to become resentful and exhausted. Without boundaries, you’ll absorb other people’s feelings and take responsibility for their problems; you’ll overwork, allow others to take advantage of your kindness, and eventually this will negatively impact your physical and mental health. In contrast, when you set boundaries, you’re taking care of your physical and emotional needs.
Establishing healthy relationships means establishing healthy boundaries and clear and respectful guidelines for how we want to be treated by others.
Boundary setting is an important and powerful act of self-love.
“Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and where someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for, gives me freedom.” — Henry Cloud.
Practice, practice, practice. Setting boundaries is a skill and like any other skill, the more you practice the easier it becomes. Expect that it will feel uncomfortable in the beginning, but stick with it! Don’t expect yourself to be perfect. Setting boundaries and practicing self-care aren’t all or nothing endeavors. So, don’t get hung up on doing them perfectly. Remember progress, not perfection!
